Now that towing a club rib is a profitable exercise , the queue for towing goes around the block !! And there goes half my story , as I'm now , no longer towing . I only hope that the people putting them self's forward to tow , remember that it's for THE BRIXHAM WEEK!!! NOT FOR THREE OR FOUR DAY'S !! The other half of the story was stolen by the D.I.N.K.Y.'s ( The Sue Rountree Mob ) . What does d.i.n.k.y mean , Sue ? ( I hope they don't kill people , like the Lavender Hill Mob . Or drive people potty , by telling potty joke's ! ) So there isn't a story to write, so it's.

Once Upon A Time ; time again ! Are you sitting comfortably ? Then I'll begin .

I have such good intention's , to be organized , but why is it , it turn's out crap every time ? Am I the only one? The plan was to finish work early Wednesday pack and early to bed early to rise and early to start ! Ha ha ha . I'll just do one more job, because it's been very slow out there , and I'd only just earnt enough money to fill the cab up . So I come in for a radio job, and get the job of the year , and I'm not going to say no ! I leave London on the motorway at just after twelve thirty am and get back to London after five thirty .a.m. and home to sleep at six thirty . Half of Thursday's gone by the time I'm up and about , desperately throwing things vaguely useful , in the general direction of the car . What do you lot do? Pack up and stow everything the week before , just incase thing's get on top of you ( my ex wife never got that randy, you lucky, satisfied people ), (every article I write sex rears itself up , oop's !! wishful thinking again ! ) Anyway that's what I did and jammed everything into the car as best I could and as quickly as I could , and left . Forgetting that luxury called eating , no food again , how on earth did I get this middle age spread without eating ? The trouble is that the spread just keep's on spreading , sitting on the loo , head in my hand's , elbow's on my knee's , looking down I can't see past my belly to my Willie ( I haven't seen it for year's ) . It's not fat , just my chest muscles migrating south for the winter of my youth , honest !

This time I went down to Brixham on the main road's only , no back ( smart arse ) doubles for me , I've learnt . No problems , but I'd forgotten how much extra in fuel , it cost me to tow . I got down there on one tank , no stopping to fill up half way there , and worrying have I got enough to get there ! My sub-aqua Saab Turbo , tow's a rib without me being aware of the load , so Im heavy footed sometimes , and that cost's in petrol . By the way , does anyone want to buy a sub-aqua Saab Turbo ? Two owner's , one slightly adventurous owner , sold as seen . ( WET : ref : Brixham Journey ;) I'm a diver , and as with all diver's , we're an adventures , risk taking , gutsy, special type of people , and aren't by any mean's like the common couch potato, who watch's the telly , and doesn't realise that the telly is wasting their lives . Instead of them living it , they waist it watching some crap actor's (trying to act ) on an equally crappie script . Therefore I'm like all other diver's , an interesting person , not a boring ( I hope ) person . However there are always exception's that prove the rule , and in Brixham I met him in the petrol station .

Because of the very steep slope's at Brixham holiday park you need at least half a tank of fuel to stop your engine from sucking air and stalling . So the sensible thing to do is fill up as soon as you can on arrival before tackling the dreaded slope's of Brixham holiday park . Me and him in the petrol station , me filling up and him inside talking to the attendant . I suspected nothing , as I went in to pay . He saw my dive watch ( serve me right for being a poser ). "Are you a diver he said ? "Oh boy did I make a mistake ," yes I said .Your not on your way to Hope Cove are you ? He asked , no I said , I'm here , this is my destination ." I'm lost , he said , the other's told me a better route , but I must have got it wrong . I'm a diver too, he said ."Oh great , I'm thinking of my supper and bed . I saw sandwiches in the display . I'M HUNGRY and tired ! I'm really not interested , but he had latched on . Like alcoholism or a leach he sneak's up on you , and gets you before you can duck and dive out of the way . I want FOOD , he want's a route , to link up with his "friends " from his dive club , all at Hope Cove .( Congratulating them selves , that they had lost him , at last !! ) I got his personal history down to the green boxer short's with the pink poker dot's , that he was wearing ! After all you have to put a show on , for the girl's at Stony Cove , and elsewhere don't you? he said . ( The malicious satisfied look of the cashier , told me that she thought that it was my turn , as I paid her , and that she was well out of it now.) I pointed out to him the map book's , and said that he could get one and work out a route for himself , to Hope Cove . Just then a local came in for a news paper , and I said that he would be the perfect person to ask for a route . He looked around , and I fled . Laughing at the look of dismay on the poor sod's face , who only wanted a paper , as the realisation came to him that he had the world's champion bore to deal with , and the desperate look around for help , that wasn't there , or forthcoming from anywhere! (The girl ducked down behind the counter out of sight too !! ) As I drove out of the garage and on to Brixham Holiday Park , laughing my head off , all the way.( AND STILL NO FOOD !! ).

I'm lumbered with the Polly Bear again , but this time I'm going to get a good night's sleep tonight . The management had changed the double bed for two singles , that allowed me to take the three setter settee from the front room to the bed room , and a single bed from the bed room to the front room . This is were the Polly Bear will sleep , from tomorrow night when he arrives , but tonight blissfully on my own , to sleep , and dream of Mermaid's and FOOD !!

Food came first in my dream's , not the Mermaid's ( does that mean I'm getting old ? ) No just hungry ! that's right , I still hadn't eaten all day ! How in hell can I be so bloody fat , when I keep forgetting to eat? Friday 13 (OOP'S!!), I'm up early and down to the shop's to get FOOD! I get back , and there's no time to cook ! Sod it , I'm not going hungry any longer! Cheese and jam sarnie's are not good for a delicate tummy ! Especially if their eaten quickly , but at last , food in my belly . Oh yeah ! On the beach at 11am , all kited up , and I'm budded with Kevin . We back into the sea after doing all the check's . S E E D S , and all that rubbish , briefing him about using the S M B line as a buddy line he pulled a face . ( This improved his look's , two hundred percent !! ) But he did as he was told , no problem's ( a good buddy ) . Thanks for not giving me any problem's ( this to Kevin , and his instructor's , And the B S A C training method that work's.) None of this ( Put Another Dollar In ) crap . S M B in my left hand and Kevin level with me on my left , and he kept formation like the red arrow's , good boy ! The vis was between one and two and a half meter's , down to one foot where Sue and Pete's fins stirred up the bottom , buoyancy control Sue ! Where was it ? Mine and Kevin's was perfect ( mine because I wasn't thinking about it !!) the s.m.b in my left hand in my right hand the compass to swim a right handed triangle course . Rapping the s.m.b line around his right hand when the vis became less than half a mtr , and showing him my confidence in his ability , by taking the line off him when the vis got better . I spent most of the dive swimming on my side , as I was probably overly protective , and Kevin was just slightly liable to do something enthusiastically over the top . It was the only way to keep an eye on him . checking his air regularly and mine , I found that I was using more air than him ! Was this because off the stress of responsibility? Hermit crab's that's all I saw on the dive , small one's, picking one up and looking at it closely, I couldn't see any small wholes for it's waist matter to come out . I've concluded therefore that the scientist's have got it wrong , and that the Hermit crab's don't change their shell's as they grow bigger , but only because they have filled the arse end of the shell with shit , and that the pressure of compacted shit rotting in the shell generates explosive gasses that blows them out of their shell's . So they shit themselves out of house and home . Good init , I've managed to drag this article back down to my level again , it was in danger of becoming high faulting and pompous. We finished the dive , and backed out of the sea , and as usual I provided the comedy relief by falling arse over tit twice backing into big rock's . I was not amused , but those on the beach were .

By the time I got my kit off , it wasn't worth the effort , to go up the hill to grab a bite to eat . Besides the cheese and jam sandwiches still weighed heavy on my belly. ( I can't spell stomach .) I wasn't very interested in the next dive destination , it was either; the Morris Row or Thatchers Rock , the difference is a matter of a couple of meter's or so . I was too busy not being sick on the ride over there , to give a damn ! All I wanted was in and down quickly , a razors edge that's how close I was to being sick . But I wasn't , in we go , the second lot , just in time ! Not many fish , but spider crab's , one very big one , if they were edible I would have brought it up . No I wouldn't . At the sewer outlet these animal's feed on one thing , SHIT , and I wont eat any of them including scallop's . I didn't point out to my buddy the joy's of diving close to Torquay's sewer outlet ( the used durex and the still soiled sanitary towel , I saw that proved to me , that any filtration plant wasn't being used , and that the sewer management had bypassed all filters , and let raw sewage into the sea , too close to the shore , the sewer outlet ought to be at lest five miles out minimum ! ) I had the SMB and my buddy stayed close , and was no worry to me , thanks mate . He was also taking a lot more interest in his surrounding's , and enjoying the dive a lot more , but he missed the small dog fish , he had tunnel vision , looking straight ahead and didn't turn his head at all . I'm glad he'd missed the people's personal item's that I saw! Towards the end of the dive the current took us on a gentle drift dive . But my air was too low for me to let it go on , so we surfaced , and my sea sickness came back again . All I wanted was to get back to dry land , so I was a bit grumpy , sorry people . I wasn't sick , I just spent the rest of that trip looking at the horizon hoping that my stomach would get out of my throat , and back , where it belongs .

It was decided that there may be enough water in Paignton to get the bottles filled so off we went . There was enough water in Paignton to get into just . It was a strange feeling to get out of the boat just inside the harbour entrance , and walk the rib to the slip , to unload the bottle's . And take them up to Nautique for Pete to fill , and for Sandra to feed us coffee YEH MAN !! And food to settle my belly , I love both these people to bit's . Oh God , but that French stick egg bacon sausage's and onion sandwich and coffee was great . But the tide was going out , and by the time the tank's were filled , we had to walk with them across the harbour bottom , to the rib at the harbour entrance to load them up . Back across a bumpy bay to Fish combe Cove , where I got out and climbed the killer hill to my chalet and changed , putting the immersion heater on for a hot bath when I got back . The rib was taken around to Brixham Marina , and moored in its berth . I got into my car and drove back around to the marina to get my and Polly Bear's kit out of the rib , except our weight belts which I left in the boat . Back around to my chalet , where that rotten Polly Bear , had stolen my bath water !! THE BUMMM wasn't even apologetic , he just sat in all my lovely hot water with a big grin on his face , playing with his loafer with BOTH HAND'S !!! It take's a couple of hours for the immersion heater to heat up the water , so while it was on , and the BUMMM was still in my bath , I made the dinner for tonight . I'll get my own back I thought , he can do the cooking for the rest of the week . Out he comes from my bath , and start's nosing around the cooker "That smell's nice , what is it ? " It's a chicken curry , I said . He asked ," What are those red thing's?" Glassy cherry's , I replied . He pulled a face and said . Your just like my dad , he putt's everything into his cooking as well ! I'm not going to eat any of that , or any of your cooking at all ! I'll eat out ! So there I am , with this enormous pot and a second smaller pot , of chicken curry , as he walk's out of the chalet to the bar to have his meal , and be their for the dive briefing . AND I HATE CHICKEN . Now we all know that the Polly Bear is a champion trencherman . And the object of the exercise was to beat him . I wanted to hear him say "sorry I can't eat any more !! That's why I made so much . "And now I'm lumbered with all this chicken curry !! ( I had this all week , except for the club meal at the Cabin , where every one else had lovely cod and chip's , and I had an exotic fish that was awful Offfall orfull orefull ; You get my meaning? . But it was a great night out , and my thanks go to Gillian for organising it .) I'm late into the bar for the dive briefing ( I wonder why? ) . Through the boozy haze , I seem to remember , that because the weather was going to be a bit iffy , it was decided to stay local , so the Scrapyard and or Berry Head , for tomorrow , that's Saturday .

As a professional driver I don't drink , but Im on holiday , so that night the drink I had , made me visit the loo regularly , so Im nackered in the morning . And I had to have that horrible chicken curry for breakfast , my helping to get the rib ready for the dive , didn't help my stomach either . The first dive area stayed the Scrapyard , although the weather wasn't too bad . My dive buddy was Dave McDonnald ( McDuck) , remember the one who complained to the world that I almost bit his nose off in the tow and landing test , when I had to make an air tight seal . Then he decided that he could get more free drink's , by claiming that the scar's were got in a fight with a small two meter shark !!! I've now got new glasses and I still can't see the scar's , but then I still can't see the scallop's either! Why do I keep on having a pop at Dave ? JEALOUSY that's why , because he's tall dark , young and handsome , and in his new Gates dry suit , all the girl's go weak at the knee's , and all us men grit our teeth . He could be a male model for Gates and earn free suit's and lot's of dosh , so that he could retire now . That's why I'm jealous . So out we go to the Scrapyard , except that we were in too far towards the Brixham breakwater , and all that was there , where concrete breakwater block's that had washed away in storm's and lay on the seabed in a higglle pigaldy sort of way . So there we are Dave McDonald (McDuck) Poser and little fat Troll looking for the treasure that the poor fishermen throw overboard as junk . Short length's of steel cable old lobster pot's with nothing in them , bit's of nylon net's that don't rot away , but no livestock . I enjoyed the dive as did the poser ( McDuck) . Sorry but we didn't fight any giant squid this time , it got away before we could get close!! Naturally Dave blamed me for letting it go , and complained bitterly that I had stopped him from having fresh squid for supper ! It was a baby only as big as my hand not even a sandwich filler ; But he still thinks it was big enough to eat , naturally I'm in the dog house again ! And did he give me even a part of the claw of the giant crab he got , the greedy sod kept it all for himself , he said that it was for the family , but they dont like crab ( greeeedy gut's ) .

The second dive was with Pat , Im glad she's got a sense of humour , while waiting on the beach suited up, someone had drawn a half picture ( the back of her suit from the waste to the ground but only half way around her so the front was ok ) But her behind had a suspender belt and fishnet knickers and tights drawn onto her suit . How we all managed to keep straight face's I don't now . The ink must have been water based , because it all washed off in the sea . So there I am diving with Mrs Fishnet (another friend blown out ) just passed the Scrapyard at Berry Head . There are gullies that go across the flow of the currant so in a tidal flow it is a hairy drift dive . But on slack it's easy , the wrasse I almost pulled the last time I was hear , was as absent , as were all the other fish , except the Dog fish , Anemones and the crab's . I didn't see any shrimp's at all , Scraggy Tash , so there ! Nothing to smear over the rock's . Fishnet is a good dive buddy ( any time baby ) a stylish lady under water as well as above .

There used to be Kelp here , two leaf then a torn stork , now I all I saw were bare rock's . As there is such a thing as tree husbandry and forest management by expert's who now what they are doing . ( In this country I don't think so !!) But in other country's , so why not sea husbandry and management , but not by inadequate intellect's ( pollution's or do gooder's fresh from school or collage , need not apply) But people from the real world of commerce !! Any chance ? So when are the pig's going to fly ? And the artificial reef's going to be sunk . To help and encourage fish stock's to grow , by providing the wreck's , which the fry use as shelter and safe cover nursery's to grow up in . Safe from the illegal net's of the French and Spanish fishing boat's that fish our water's and river estuary's . Providing the cover and the food source that the kelp forest's used too . Before the modern trawlers tore them to shred's . Here we go again ! I'm referring to the loud American who was telling me how to do it , what ? Putting down an artificial reef . Because they know everything about anything , don't you now . Why do foreign-nerd's always now better than us how to do thing's ? And prove it , by telling us , and they're right ! When I told him about all the permissions , from all the different government department's , the diver's had to get , to sink a ship , as an artificial reef , he laughed . All your doing is , creating more government department's , to take more of your freedom's away from you !! And making more job's for the boy's , the Mandarin's in Whitehall , that is ! So that they can control more aspect's of your lives.( I had that sinking feeling again , I suddenly thought of The Boston Tea Party !! ) O K what would you do ? " I asked ". ( I could have bitten my tongue off as soon as I said it ; ) Simply take publicity photo's he said . They already have , I said . WILL YOU LET ME FINNISH A SENTENCE !! He said in a forceful manner ! OOP's (who me ! Interrupt an American !! ) At the spot that you intend to sink her , he said . They can't do that , I said , because they already have prepared the vessel ( Enlarged portholes , door's removed and large wholes cut in her sides close to the water line , for easy access to the engine room and the armoury and other places et , et , et !)

ARE YOU GOING TO INTERRUPT ME AGAIN? He said , I shook my head "no" . Good , he said . You tow the vessel out to the place that your going to sink her ( Covering the waterline entrance holes with hard board bluetacked onto the inside of the ship and painted black .) Anchor her there . Dismiss the tug , then take the pictures of the ship , showing the coastline behind it , and take cross bearing's as to the ship's position . And pictures also showing the cut accesses to the lower part's of the vessel , as reference point's for the diver's that will be diving the vessel . As the sun set's take some romantic mood photo's as well . Then call the skipper of the tug to bring the ship back to port . Unfortunately he's gone out and can't be found , so you leave the ship at anchor over night , to be brought back in , in the morning . However the long range weather forecast was accurate , and the storm that was forecast , screamed up the Channel that night . And the waves broke the bluetack hold of the M D F , that cover's the diver entrances to the hull , the waves force the board's in and the sea followed , sinking the vessel at her anchored position !! An act of God ! You then go screaming to the government for twenty million pound's to salvage the vessel because it's sunk in thirty metre's of water , instead of thirty five metre's , BOO HOO . And the government will give you the money immediately . ( Meet me in the Cayman's for my cut . ) He said and laughed !! (You see I'm not the only one who talk's a lot of bull shit ! Or is it ? ) It could never happen in this law abiding country !! Could it ? And how can the government bring an action against God for sinking a ship without permission ?!!! But the best artificial reef's would be of concrete constructed barge's , with old or damaged concrete storm drain's , concreted to their deck's and sides , and sunk in close row's and lines giving a continuity to the reef . The algae would grow and the kelp would have an Anchor point to latch on to so the browser's would be their feeding on the alga and those fish that hunt them feeding on them , etc, etc, etc. If the drain's are large enough they could also be used as diver swim through's !

Joel the Troll

to be continued !!