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by
Joel Pearl
Its amassing how these functions are meant to be Fun and Relaxing ,Unwinding and Enjoyable , for some they are , but an awful lot of people are so worried about inconsequential things like other peoples opinions, usually about them selves, that they spend the entire evening being a wallflower. Unless dragged onto the floor by someone determined to help fat people burn off fat .A Big thankyou to you Sue, who dragged me onto the floor . I burnt off fat and toned up muscles ,now I'm big fat and strong [smell!!] . Unfortunately the blond bombshell sitting in the corner "wallflower" was about twenty years to young ,for me . It's a shame , you had the guts to come to the dinner dance on your own , but not the gut's to get up on the floor and dance .You don't need a partner to dance in this day and age you know . What a waist .
Talking about fat the roast lamb dinner wasn't , I don't no weather I'm easily pleased but it disappeared from my plate post haste. It makes a change from my usual breakfast of chicken jalfrezi or chicken tikka masala or korma . Wine was had by all except yours truly ,"driving ". Strange thing ,as every body else relaxed with the help of the drink so did I . And the butterflies disappeared .Or was it hunger pangs . who's kidding who it was nerves plane and simple . Lional remember that party you invited me to . I got as far as outside and then drove off ! This time I arrived and went in . I'm getting better . I don't remember what the table talk was about . I was distracted and scared ,Alfy had threatened me with the ultimate threat," I must introduce you to my sister ,and my sister in law, you will get on well with them ." How can anybody concentrate on mundane conversation after being threatened like that . Anyway the usual I suppose work, gossip, club business . I don't remember any jokes being tolled . but it wasn't doom and gloom . Iv got an Official complaint . Not one prize from the draw . Its a swizzle ! First Sue done me for tickets, then Ian then Mike then Les then Peter and others . NOT A THING . It's for a good cores, indeed . Hold on while I get a fag !!! Not even a cuddly toy . That rotten Ray said I should go to a special shop and get myself a blow-up doll . I don't know what he means ! Can anybody tell me ? He promised me the name and address of his shop , but he hasn't tolled me yet , Angi could you remind him . OOPS's . Anyway I like mcarno [ its better than lego`ver , you can hump it ,,,,,,,about .without it braking .] What gets me down is trying to get the metal splinters out with hare tweezers afterwards . Honest I don't know what I'm talking about , so lets get back to the ball's .[well isn't it all ] At the end of the dinner the speeches and toasts, royal and club. Then the draw for the charity proceeded with every body getting prizes and me, I got heart burn . Mem was his usual self trying to CONvince Les that grey was yellow , do the D V L now your colour blind? Mem's. I had so many tickets that Sue and Pat had to help me sort out loser from loser, good fun " I was ordered to say." I can't compare the disco with any other but Brixham ,and that one is so loud that it hurts my eardrums , this one didn't . So there I am dancing with this gorgeous young woman while her Maine mans talking club politics to another boardy member ."Booze and blues go together , [ When she gets him home ! that is .] " Debb's you looked gorgeous, a shimmery plane clinging stylish dress that allowed a man's imagination to run riot . Why havant females realised that sexy is what a man thinks and that clothes are the trigger .I was tolled that in a nudist camp men never get tuned on .Nothing's left to trigger his imagination you see , the less you were , the less sexy you are , honest ! Next year's dinner dance should be interesting , sorry no boring ! George Green and Ann had continuous grins all through the night . There was something about George's that puzzled me . Ann's dress "a black number with slits ether side all the way to her armpits". We all now you've got a lovely figure but why show so much ? Then when Ann bided against Jerry Dowed it all became clear .The auction for a foot ball ,signed by the whole of the west ham or east ham or leg of lamb foot ball team . For charity, "where's that packet of fag's ", she did it to give it to her toy boy ! Go baby go . George's grin was a grin of relief ,no more saying ,"Not tonight Ann my dear,Not tonight ! " The pill has got a lot to answer for . Jerry you were the only other person bidding for that ball ! Need I say any more ! I spent most of the night dancing with Sue Rountree , Mike why is it that after a man gets married to a beautiful woman , he seems to forget what a desirable person she is and that he needs to continue to court her , for both their sakes . I'm not just having a go at you Mike , but at all the men who stood and sat around talking and drinking without dancing with their wives and partner's .And I don't count the one or two obligatory dances some did as a duty . After all it was a dinner and DANCE !!! When I stopped dancing to take my jacket of and go to the bar , Alfy had another go at me, with his wife there .How wonderful his sister and his sister in law are . And how well I'd get on with them ! Your a lovely fellow Alf , but man your beginning to scare the shit out of me . For the record I'm still getting over that two timing bitch . And I will never give a woman legal power over me again . Besides , what keeps going through my mind is this . The position is without dignity , the effort great , the relief momentary ,the pleasure minimal and transient , the cost great and continuous Some of the dances were slower with proper steps to them . I commented to Sue Hanstead that its been so long since I had a proper dance that I probably don't remember how to do it . Ok she said , lets see, and she dragged me onto the floor, we had a little pushing match she whone . And took the lead , actually I " the compassionate", allowed her to whin . After all it would be the only time this millennium that she would get her own way . Ian rules at home with a rod of iron . The girl's got to get her own way sometime . Aren't I a nice gay . Back to the dance . Looking over Sue's shoulder . I Havant seen this girl before ,but a lot more of her than she intended . It flopped out ,and she flipped it back in ,then hoyinked it over into a more comfortable position, with her closest forearm . I'm talking about her mammary gland . Now dose that make her a flop flip hoyinker ,or a flipper flop hoyinker ? Talking about mammary glands jiggling about vigorously . On a sailing trip to Belgium , I got in some fresh milk as well as long life milk which I dislike . Making the tea I pored the milk only to fined it had separated into butter and Wye , poring the Wye away I patted the butter into a square for the sandwiches . Now watching the girl's mammary's bouncing around while dancing, the thought occurred . Why dose't her milk separate into wye and butter ? Of course it does , that's why girl's are always massaging their mammary's to reconstitute the wye and butter back into milk ! they call it self examination . This is such a boring onerous task that out of compassion I hereby volunteer my services to help you out, please leave your name's and phone number's with Ian , and I will definitely help you out ! O . K . The men are mad at me . And the women . What next , animal ,and vegetable ." Where did I get this death wish from ?" So there's big Paul dancing like a toothless walrus his singing's like their roar ,and he manages to dance without burning off any calories , I swear he actually bent a nee all of two degrees in time with the music . He's a gentle giant , and available so what's wrong with you girl's ? no sense , no taste ! shoe size is just an old wives tail , no truth in it at all . But I still reserve all
copyright (c) Jan .4. 00 . Joel Pearl .
c/o . PEARLEES Ltd
All Rights Reserved.
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