NITrox
THE OLD MANS / WOMANS GAS
AND
FULL OF IT !

by
Joel Pearl

I was nervous and up tight . That was why I had trouble sleeping the night before the NIT lecture . I awake at the time the lecture began , said a few choice words and threw my clothes on , grabbed my books an ran to the bloody cab , It wouldn't start again . British built of course ! Got the bugger going , and off I set all relaxed and ready for the lecture !! It was a good route except for one traffic jam , the trouble is I can't remember it for future reference , bugger ! I arrived bursting for a crap but had to sit on it . Im a regular guy or is that gay? I wasn't , isn't , but I was miserable .[RUBY RED LIP'S ] Jan said that he would help me catch up in the brake, and went on with the lecture .

Sitting ON IT at the back of the class trying to listen to the lecture while the lectures were talking in a normal tone of voice was bad enough , but having to contend with all the other distractions didn't help .The course pack was comprehensive but the NITrox table's book was floored pages not printed and wrongly printed so I couldn't follow some important part's of the lecture . I later got it replaced from B.E.S.A.C. There were a load of people there , the biggest contingent from our branch , but a lot from other branches in the south east .I sat at the back with a lady on my right from an other branch and Debb's on my left . She was supposed to be observing but Jan [RUBY RED LIPS ] dumped her in it at the deep end , to give a lecture . So the poor girl was fiddling with papers and transparencies trying to get herself organised for the lecture . The lady on my right seemed to be a got it together type person who soon sussed me out , as being slow . No not , dumb , thick , gormless ,(all right maybe ). But a person who needed help . And later on she endeavoured to do so , but she hadn't understood that part of the lecture and got it wrong . she left me to my own devises then . It's surprisingly difficult to unlearn something that you learnt that's wrong . This didn't help me ether

Part of the annoying thing all the lecturers did was to take off the transparencies then look at the next one for a few moments before putting them on . This effectively stopped us plebes from managing to make all the notes we needed to , as references and an aide memoir . My late wife , bless her , was a collage lecturer . Her job was to teach teachers how to teach . She told me once that all you had to do , was say the same thing three , or four different way's , because peoples brains work differently to each other , and latch on to the same knowledge in different ways , one important way is to write notes , as the brain then has the chance to use the writing part of it, to help put it into the long term memory from the short term memory . The lecturers didn't seem to understand this .They couldn't use this method anyway because they had to give us an awful lot of information in a short time , ei one day . But they could have aloud us to make notes , by leaving the transparencies on ,while they quickly looked at the next one , this would have helped us a great deal .

Then the bar girl came in and opened the bar ," Could some one please help her lift the bar grill's ", she asked ? Interrupting the lecture , Thank you ," Can somebody help her plug the phone in ,she hollered ,"over the lecturers voice ." I can never do it , I just don't understand how it work's , thank you ".We need the phone plugged in incase someone phoned the club !!! . Then a member of the cricket club came in and asked for a pint .Do you won't a straight glass or a bent one ? Bent one's have a curve on them so that you don't drop them . Did you know that , I don't know who thought of it , but it's a very good idea , don't you think , Isn't it difficult doing the shopping now the kid's are out of !! IM MAD steam's coming out of my ear's like high pressure jet's, here we are, trying to listen to a lot of lectures in one day, to enhance our survival chances in a potentially dangerous sport , that dose on occasion cost someone there life . And I'm hearing the lecture as a background noise to this conversation !! despite the chance of vesuvious eruptious downious into my pantious dew to internal precious-downious , cos Iv been sitting ON IT! This fat gormless twit ran the risk of brown pantious , and got up, went over to the bar and asked them to talk more quietly ,they did for all of three minutes . You may note, that I 'm not tacking the piss out of the man , bass baritone that everyone has to look up to, even when he's leaning on the bar ! But I do apologise to the girl ,sorry . But Im so angry.

WE NEED OUR OWN CLUB HOUSE !!! I'm not crawling but Debb's lecture was the best , clear and concise and I herd it all . And I didn't have to surmise what was said ,as with the mumbling others . By the way thanks Debb's for the breakfast she took our orders and got us FOOD ,YIPPEE , her hart is in the right place cause she got us our food but forgot the other lectures . Serve them right , they gave me and everybody there monumental headaches , with all the info drummed into our poor brains . Or was it gas toxicity , if so what gas? all of us cramped into a small room would generate carbon monoxide , carboxytoxicity , hypercapnia , carbon dioxide , carbonictoxicity ,Which one ? Well the rotten lectures are always giving me hundred's of multiple choice question's , I'm only giving you one . She took a long time because she also filled some bottles for the next day . But not mine, oh well , she got me food . After the food I also managed to go to the loo , core what a relief ! Fed and relaxed back to the grindstone again .But no update from [RUBY RED LIP'S] Jan .

The lectures when't through to the afternoon and finished in the early evening to a great sense of relief , by me anyway . Then the exam papers were handed out , " oh dear another wasted effort , I thought " . I Havant the ability to drag information out of what I laughingly call a brain at all quickly, the information's there , but I have to think about it before I can answer question's . You don't have the time to think in these exams , just one hour to answer three hundred questions or so it seems to me . Anybody else feel this way? I didn't have to worry ,we were given till the next day .[Hand them in at the meeting place in stony cove," the toilets"!!]" oh yere!!" RUBY RED LIPS Jan made the meeting place !! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THIS NORMAL HETEROSEXUAL MALE MET ANY ONE OUTSIDE A TOILET HONEST !!!! RUBY RED LIPS Jan made the meet !!! NOT ME.!!!!

So off we go to Nevilles place to do the exam , except me . Being in such a hurry to get to the lecture this morning , I drove with my head light's on , yes you've guessed it , I left the bloody headlight's on . A totally flat battery , not a flicker of anything, totally dead . Lional gave me a jump start , then while I'm driving around charging the battery ,the other's were at Nevilles place discussing the lecture's and doing the exam , and eating pizzas , there was still some left when I got there , I had two slices Neville , I still owe you for them

By now its nine or ten o'clock and I'm feeling very guilty about keeping every one there while I'm doing the exam . Some do go but big Paul Nickels and Mike staid with me and Neville . The multiple choice questions were ok but I got to the last three question's and then the old phobia hit . They wore big and complicated and I couldn't even read them without feeling fiscally sick . I panicked . I can't do the last three I said , if I haven't got a pass mark on all the other's that's it for me . " I felt gutted and sick at myself for being such a useless berck ." Neville said that I new the answers to the question's it's just that I'm not going about it in the wright way , cause Iv already done the answers in the previous question's . So I'm to brake the question's down into manageable part's , answer them and put them together for the hole answer .

By this time it was very late and I was feeling even more guilty about keeping them up , with an early start in the morning . But with Neville's encouragement and Mike's and Paul's how could I give up ! I completed the whole paper . A BIG THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU. I don't remember weather it was one or two o'clock in the morning but my head was pounding like I'm hungover big time . Neville promised to give me an alarm call in the morning , the day's of going without sleep are gone , two hours kip just isn't enough . The alarm call is for six or six therty am ,so that's for hour's kip in forty eight , somewhere in my mind there's a thought "diver's should be rested and relaxed ," Oh yer what planet do these writer's live on , it shore as hell isn't mine! I got into the cab with a dodge starter motor and battery , hart in my mouth tern the key, click , click , click , nothing , I wont to tear someones arm off, but how do you tear your own arm off , it's all my falt after all . Click-start what a relief say good night to Neville and Paul ,and go home to sort my gear out for the morning "it's already morning". two hours kip before the early morning call from Neville , is it wherth going to bed ,I'm nackered yes . Would you believe it I couldn't sleep ! One hour to go and I finally get to sleep .

Lional call's me just as he's levying for stony cove . Neville forgot , thanks Lional . I was nervous and uptight . I'm always in a panic or so it seam's . I said a few choice word's and threw my clothes on ! D'shaveu feeling's all the time ! The cab's to slow and I'm in a hurry as usual , so it's got to be my clapped out old van . I drive the motor out of the garage carefully so as not to damage the flat tyre! So there I am pumping the tyre up and praying to the old man up there . I know that you have sunshine people that everything go's well for in their lives , and crappies who you dump on , but honestly I'v had enough of being a crappie , how about giving some one else a go , Terry's a moaning miserable old sod how about dumping on him for a while ? And give me a rest from all this heavenly crap you keep dumping on me ! I finish pumping up the tyre and throw the pump into the back it dislodges junk that reveals the electric pump that I couldn't find before ! Sod everything !

I throw my dive gear into the van and go , hoping I'v not forgotten anything . I head through town on to the M 1 .Put my foot down and accelerate to sixty nine and a half miles an hour precisely, the trouble was that I had a forty or fifty mile an hour head wind to contend with . Also the roof rack exerted a lot of drag as well as the weaght of the loaded car . So I had to fill the car up half way there , and forgot to fill me up , hungry again . It was a long time since the hamburger Debb's got me . The wind over the roof rack howled like a demented Banshee all the way up there giving me a headache on top of my headache . No booze honest ! just stress and lack of sleep. "Diver's should be, [what ?] Cause I'm not !!"

I left the M 1 at junction 20 to Stony Stanton and into Stony Cove . top car park . I immediately whent to the toilet . they were all there not in the water yet , I hurried back to the car and got my bottle back to the filling station to leave it there for filling "a half hour the man said ". Back to the car , got kited up back to the filling station there's a label on my bottle ! My heart sank, sorry your bottles out of test he said ,but I can higher a twelve litre bottle if you want . No thanks I'll bring another one , I hump the bottle back up to the top carpark change the bottle , back down to the filling station wait for the fill ."Divers should be[what?] !!" back over to the gang all the other's are being tested I hang around with the piss takers , I deserve all the ribbing , but one day the worm will turn , it will [at the next millennium] .

Debb's moans but tack's me in for my test .
I fail . Well it's not my falt ,[ of course it is] . The stab jacket's dump leaked continuously and I couldn't maintain stable buoyancy , up and down like a yo-yo . Sod the stab jacket I'll you's my suit to maintain my buoyancy put some air in the suit and dump what's left in the stab jacket , put more in the suit , neutral buoyancy, assume the position "NO NOT THAT POSITION " the sky diver's free fall position . Face down arms and legs a'kimbow "THAT POSITION " Cor that way would work as well ! Anyway there I am face down in nautral buoyancy , I bend my legs up into the skydiver's posture and feel air migrating from my body area to my leg's , so there I am in nautral buoyancy with my head down and my leg's up [ NOT A GOOD POSITION FOR IT ] or anything . All that pool training :" I wont need to do somersault's this is a waste of time !" So there I am leg's tucked in and circular rowing motions done in earnest back upright but Im shallower and positively buoyant and up I go , dumping air negative buoyancy and down I go , put air in my suit neutral buoyancy hard to breath cheque my gage out of air in the main tank switch to my pony . Point to my gage and give the surfacing sign Deb's couldn't under stand my signal's . I DIDN'T GIVE THE OUT OF AIR SIGNAL co's I had my pony and Buddy air two ! But I should have; Ore the reserve signal so as not to be misunderstood by my buddy , as I was . Deb's pointed out a pike to me earlier , and she thought I was pointing to another one . I headed for the surface but as I got closer to it I had trouble breathing until I dumped air out of my suit that relieved the pressure on my neck , I surfaced and tolled Deb's that I was out of air , so we landed and debriefed .

I had left my fifteen litre. tank and used a ten that had only one hundred bar of forty percent Nitrox in it to do my test . I wanted to taste what forty percent cent nitrox tasted like , no difference . I changed to my fifteen and was ready to go after fiddling with the stab jacket's dump valve I thought I had solved the problem . Deb's really had , had enough , she was frozen , One of the other Instructor's healed open his arms to give Debb's a hug to worm her up , They were both in their dry suit's so it was a gesture when she went into his arms he shouted that she had stabbed him with her nipple's . I think he was trying to be amusing , the sad man may have been in shock , because that's obviously the closest he's ever been with a woman . And it shows just how much compassion , and how strong a stomach our Debb's has , in going into this man's arm's .

So there I am with the temptation to go in by myself but big Paul had some gas left so of we went . I still leaked air and couldn't get neutral buoyancy at all . Paul let me try until he ran out of gas and up we went . Failed again . But though big Paul is so generous with his time and gear , he can MOAN !! though he was justified , buoy can he moan .

Now it's late afternoon time to pack up and debrief . Back up to the top car park and change getting mud on my drysuit as per normal . Go down to the meeting place for the debrief , the bar of the pub . Yippee food and drink , I promised Paul a drink and go to the bar to get it , " Sorry the bar's closed ." She , "the unfeeling female said" , OK I said I'll have what ever sandwiches you've got left . No food left , OK I said a cup of coffee please . No food no drink of any kind , she the traff-Uck warden said , with a visious vindictive smile on her face . My throat's saying to me that my belly thinks it's been cut .[ Iv made a dolly and stuck needle's in it . Gess who it look's like, gess were I'v stuck the needle's !!]

I tell Paul no food no drink , he isn't pleased . The debrief continues , I and one other are asked to remain after . To tell use we've failed , I now that already my son. After the debrief [RUBY RED LIPS ] Jan asked for comment's suggestion's on improving the course . And any impute to improve the BSAC or anything to do with our sport . I made some comment's about the magazine that the articles that are printed white printing on yellow or light orange back grounds are invisible and cant be easily read so are missed .I think there arty farty crap . [RUBY RED LIPS] Jan said that he would mention it to the editor , we'll see if any thing's done . I also made the comment's about the note taking , and was shot down in flames by one of the lectures ." The BSAC do thing's this way , and in any case I now my subject and dont read the notes cos I dont now them , I know the subject , and lecture the subject . And I'm quite happy with the system ." So this lecture shot me down in flames . It's so frustrating to now your right , and have some silver tongued young handsome Adonis six foot plus , narrow whipped , broad shouldered , long flowing hair's tied in a pony tail , quick witted , intelligent ,arrogant , sexy , flat bellied , charming , man who can snap his fingers and have all the girl's running to do his bidding . Give plausible reasons why a system should be kept , even though it could be improved without much effort or disruption . All I can say is , were do you find a horses tail , on a horses ---- !! Old man up there would you please forget about Terry , I prayed , after all Terry's a crappie like me , the poor old , old ,Old , sod . But there's this horses ---- !! could you please change him from a sunshine person to a crappie , he's had it fare to easy , and please make him ugly like me , oop's . NO IM NOT BITTER PETTY VINDICTIVE or JEALOUS ." I'm a liar ." and I do tell story's !

One hamburger at the lecture and two slices of pizza at Nevills place , and no food since I'm starving and thirsty . I hardly take notice of big Paul's threat to do me over again and test me , all I can think about is FOOD .

The debriefing finished , and we made our way back to the car's , we left Stony Cove in convoy but I left it to find FOOD ! Everything was shut . I was close to tiers , I court up with the rest on the motorway and as I over took them slowly I saw the load of rotten bugger's eating , I singed to them how about me and got an offer of an apple core ! I put my foot down and left them then , incase they saw me crying , that would have given them a good largh . I got home and dumped the motor into the garage , with all the gear still in it . I went in door's and cooked and fed myself till I was nauseous ,then whent to bed , and was promptly sick !

Copyright (c) 1999 Joel Pearl All Rights Reserved.

Go to Top. Top of Page

Contents, About Us, Training, Branch Committee, Our Diving,
How To Join, Where to find us, Dive's 2008, Try Dive Week,
Members Articles, SNARK, Images, Club Holidays, Water Rugby,
Social Scene, What we do when we don't DIVE !!!!, Joel's Tales, Site Links


Email us?

To Return Home. Back to Home Page

Page Created By Sue Rountree