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by
Joel Pearl
So there they all are, in the Red Sea, diving the ThistlGORMLESS queuing to get in! And the Brother's, looking at all the fishes, three dives a day and Ray saw a Ray singular! And a Lion fish, cor blimey! In seven days of diving? I think they were all telling porkies to make me feel better, 'cos here I am in the pool doing the tow and landing again. Feeling ever so miserable and sorry for myself. Because guess who is teaching me? It's Tee Hee Sue, you know the one who failed me at Brixham after the two hundred metre tow-test and landing. The one who said 'Pig's will fly' before I will pass. Az (Twit-tawoo) also put the boot in too. So it's not all her doing. Don't tell anyone but I didn't deserve to pass, 'cos I wouldn't have passed me anyway.
Pistol grip on the chin and mouth, not obstructing the airway, the other hand on her regs, neck extension correct, jacket inflated, and away we go. Up and down the pool, she rocking and rolling to the rhythm method (but is it safe practice at this time of the month?) one breath every sexxx seconds! Sue's teaching me, encouraging me, and has forgiven me I think. So who can I insult next (Azmi's orders, get their wild up so that they will write articles in their defence.) See it's not just me. Make enemy's he said. So it's his fault not mine. (Cheaper to give me that scallop and bacon dinner, if you don't want me to put you in it, Az baby.) Now it's her turn to tow me. Neck extension OK timing OK but she didn't give me mouth to mouth! Rats. What a disappointment, her breath was sweet with an awful lot of promise for the lucky fellow who gets her. You rugby players don't know what you're missing. Do the I.T.C . Course, and play with beautiful girls instead of turd shaped balls! It's gentler but better fun, though serious. The rewards could last a lifetime. After all that towing and landing, this gorgeous female was such a horrendous task, that I the masochist do hereby volunteer my services to this girl ad-infinitum (YEAH MAN). Expired-Air Resuscitation (MOUTH to MOUTH ) dribble dribble!! Slurp slurp!! Then even better, External Chest Compression's. The hand position is BSAC's responsibility, not mine! I mean, the heal of the hand on the BREAST bone two fingers up from the lower edge kneeling alongside this gorgeous hunk of femininity, the other hand interlocking with the first hand forcing the fingers to rest on the opposite bbbreast. Well I can't help it, as she's got these gorgeous knockers. I just could not get the technique right. After an hour and a half of trying, Sue started to give me suspicious looks, I think she suspected something, because she's a bright girl. And Dave couldn't keep a straight face at all, that's how Sue got suspicious. Dave what does voyeur mean? 'Cos I'm innocent, and don't know about things of this sort. Dave you shouldn't make so much noise when you slurp and you should wipe your mouth more when you dribble. You lot thought it was me! But I was to busy fondling, oops handling, no doing this girl (wishful thinking again). No towing her up and down the pool and giving her one at the poolside! External Chest Compressions I mean, serious training this 'cos I'm conscientious, aren't I. Then the recovery position, I've learnt another one, two hands protecting the head. It's supposed to be a recovery position, not a chest compression contest, what about muscular men, and the girls with big mammary glands, both forearms compressing the breasts which puts pressure on the ribcage which puts pressure on the heart and lungs. I thought that the recovery position was to help peoples bodies to survive high stress periods by relieving pressure, not putting more on!! It looks like my passing the test depends on the chance of me choosing the same position that the examiner is using that day, on instructions from BSAC no doubt. Or I'll stick to the first and correct one that I learned. Not the fashionable one (the colour of the month one). Only a woman could have thought up Doctor Jeckle and Mr Hyde (P.M.T. big time). If we want continuity of policy and training, all women in office should be over fifty and passed the change!! I'll stick to the Sport Diving Manuals version on page 150:figure 177:The recovery position. They got it right then! Not now. I did every thing right, and then Dave said OK now all you have to do is it all over again at Brixham!! THE RAT!! I was gobsmacked again!! I'm contemplating being nice to people in the future maybe.JOEL THE TROLL
Copyright (c) July 23 Joel Pearl All Rights Reserved.
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