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by
Joel Pearl
We hair across Torbay back to Fishcomb Cove , after the dive . And unload the boat's , so they can go back to more up in Brixham Marina , the floppy remains on it's mooring in the cove , about a hundred metre's from the shore .Calm conditions a beautiful summer day , twittering Astec Az shouted at me ." Good condition's for your tow and landing ." Sue piped up and said , she would observe the tow in the water as she was booted and suited , we need a body Az said , my dive buddy said he dident mind being a body , so it started . My dive buddy Donald Mc Duck , being of outsize size couldn't get a drysouit to fit so he got a semmy dry , his feet correspond to his hight and are size fifteen's at least . I dont know how many square feet his feet and fins add up to but it was a hell of a drag because they were under water and the rotten sod dident point his toes down but curled his toes and feet up so they created as much drag as he could . I mean all I did was call him "dog's breath ". co's of his halitosis , gingervituse and stale garlic breath . How petty can a guy get!
So I've got two mtr's into the tow and Sue said ," Remember that article in Snark were you took the mikky out of me , well ,what makes you think youv got any sort of chance to pass this test ? like pig's flying ? I have the power !! Tee Hee Hee Hee , She cackled like a witch . Iv got you now . These ward's , and their like , of encouragement accompanied me all through the test . So now I'v got to make a seal I cover both mouth and nose . O K I'm a big mouth . And go under so that Tee Hee can cheque the seal . That's when Donald Mc Duck struck , he berped , though his nose !! I got a gob full of green and yellow snot !! I mean ,"dog's breath," that's all I said ! I didn't brake the seal !! But when I surfaced Tee Hee started to laugh at my expression , and when I spat out the snot she pissed herself laughing ! just because she's wearing an adult incontinent pad , she didn't bother controlling herself. But she'd put it on the wrong way around , I could sea from her expression of dismay ! I dident laugh though honest I didn't , you sea I'm not petty or vindictive ! We reach the floppy turn and head back to shore . I'm tiered and instead of being beside my buddy I tow from ahead and pull him up to me to give him air . We reach shore . I shout to Az go call an ambulance . I get out of my kit a buckle at a time between breath's, then I get my buddy out of his kit a buckle at a time between breath's . On shore I roll him over to me so that he can be sick cheque the airway's clear then roll him back onto a fin for neck extension and recommenced expired air resuscitation , after checking the carotid artery for a pulse with three finger's on one side of the neck thumb well away from neck contact . Then place him into the recovery position .[ Were B S A C are concerned , the recovery position is a matter of fashion ! That change's monthly ,depending on what time of the month they have their review ! ] The recovery position I put him into was the same one I whent into when I broke my arm as a child . And the same one that I learnt when I first joined BSAC . On their belly, head to the left, left leg cocked up, left arm raised up above the head , right leg strait down right arm strait down besides the body .Two million years of evolution developing an instinct for self-preservation , carries far more weight with me than some one's opinion . The present recovery position leaves the subject putting pressure on the ribcage . The rescue helicopter crouse recently found out that the sling that go's under the arm's around the back , put's enough presiour on the hart , so that people were dying unnecessarily . It's nowhere near the hart but the pressure on the ribcage is enough to stop it .Just like the present wrong position that the BSAC whant us to follow . THINK AGAIN PLEASE . I fail the test , I'm given time to recuperate , then I'm to tow across the bay close to the shore , so that twittering Az can see my towing and breathing teckneak and landing and recovery again .Towing and breathing's ok,but not the landing and recovery . I fail again . So I'll keep trying till I pass . That's what I like about the BSAC if your not up to standard you dont pass. So standard's are uniformly high . Az you scollop thief where's that scallop and baCONED dinner you promised me. You wanted a report on my test like a news paper story . OK ,Lies , Dam Lies , Statistic's , News paper story's , Joel the Troll's story's.No difference but I still reserve all
(c) right's May oo Joel Pearl.
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